Coffee’s for closers only (a tri adaptation)

Glengarry Glen Ross ‘motivational’ speech: (if triathletes had a meeting)

Blake: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts the top on his water bottle)…bitching about that race you lost, some son of a gun that doesn’t want to move out of your way, somebody that doesn’t want to ride with you. Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?
Williamson: All but one.
Blake: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! (to Levene) Put that coffee down!! Coffee’s for weekend warriors only. (Levene scoffs) Do you think I’m messing with you? I am not messing with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from the Ironman Foundation. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levene?
Levene: Yeah.
Blake: You call yourself a triathlete, you son of a gun?
Moss: I don’t have to listen to this stuff.
Blake: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re not racing. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to qualify for the championship in Kona, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s workout. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this months races. As you all know, first prize is a Touring Tri Bike. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s a reflector vest. Third prize is you’re going home. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got bikes. Fuji Advanced Sports paid good money to make them to sell them to you! You can’t ride the bikes you’re given, you can’t beat kids, you ARE kids, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going home!!!
Levene: The cranks are short.
Blake: The cranks are short.’ cranks are short? You’re short. I’ve been riding fifteen years.
Moss: What’s your name?
Blake: I’M YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Huffy to get here tonight, I drove a ten thousand dollar TimeTrial bike. That’s my name!! (to Levene) And your name is “you’re hoping.” And you can’t workout in an ironman’s game. You can’t even pass toddlers (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your friends your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get to the finish line! You hear me, you amateurs?

(Blake flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Blake: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-cycling. Always be cycling! Always be cycling!! A-I-D-A. Anaerobic, intensity, distance, average. Anaerobic — What’s your anaerobic threshold? Intensity — do you have intensity? I know you do because it’s run or walk. You cruise or you hit the wall! Distance — have you made your distance today?!! And average. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the qualifiers comin’ up; you think anyone can make it? Guy doesn’t walk on the track unless he wants to race. Sitting out there waiting for you to race him! Are you gonna race? Are you man enough to race?(to Moss) What’s the problem pal? You.
Moss: You’re such a hero, you’re so athletic. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Blake sits and takes off his gold ironman medal)
Blake: You see this medal? You see this medal?
Moss: Yeah.
Blake: That medal cost more than your bike. I made three personal records last year. How many did you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy?  Good swimmer? So what — go home and swim with the neighborhood kids!! (to everyone) You wanna qualify here? Cycle!! (to Aaronow) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you corn husker? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get in the mass swim start?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the bikes you got, make myself fifteen minutes faster! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get a Personal Record?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Blake: It takes nutrition to get a PR.
(He’s holding two bags of wheat grass–he puts them away after a pause)
Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The qualifiers are out there, you pick one up, it’s yours. You don’t–I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those workouts tonight and cycle, cycle, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be watching me on tv in December. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a triathlete, it’s a tough racket.” (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the ironman lottery winners. These are the Kona lottery winners. And to you, they’re gold. And you’re not on them. Because to put your name on them is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williamson) They’re for winners.
I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. (to Moss as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because the Ironman Foundation asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and don’t let them race because a complainer is a complainer.
(He stares at Moss for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into the inner office)

and …. scene.

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